I had a clear imagining this morning, really out of nowhere. What other ingestible, item, behavior or activity would we as a society even find remotely acceptable in excess like we do drugs and/or alcohol? Much of our society these days seem to have gotten past the smoking thing, as acceptable or sexy. Smokers are seen as the minority, highly conspicuous, amazingly stubborn etc. We as a collective are fine with restricting smokers and smoking, looking down on the activity, making repulsed faces when we smell smoke or smokers clothing. If we’re around a smoker we sure notice how many they light up, how disgusting it is when they get ash all over the place, how they grind out the stinking butts or toss it out the window and LITTER. Oh they even LITTER grosssssss, BAD. Right?
But we don’t (as a collective) do that about drinking, now do we. It’s only the intentionally non-drinking people who might be (totally are) noticing how many times you’ve filled your glass already. How many times your hand has gone back and forth to that glass in their peripheral. How nasty your teeth and tongue (and breath) get with red wine stain or creamy Bailey’s shots. And so forth.
It’s acceptable to a large percentage of the population to drink to way way excess. I, in fact, have never seen a person drink literally just 1 glass of wine, unless it was at a work function and it was myself, in total forced control and resentment. And even at the work function, with intelligent, functional people who get OCD about their food or technologies or facial wrinkles or clothes or money in the bank were like: “Is that all you’re drinking???”
It’s even acceptable to drink, puke, then drink more. Has been since the Romans. To drink until you have to go to the hospital; until 4 am; until you cave and do coke again too; so that you can go on a date; so that you can deal with shitty events like being around your boyfriend’s ex-wife.
Anyways….my thought was: imagine if instead of “the drink” it was “the food”. We’re supposed to get health benefits from apples right? “An apple a day”? Like the “health benefits” from wine? Which is total bs. for many reasons, one being that the risks and strain on your body from that “one” glass of wine is far offsetting the “benefits”. But just going with that suggestion of 1 apple per day analogy – I mean who do you know who eats more than one? Let’s make that apple into applesauce and let’s put that applesauce into a shot glass. And let’s have a party!
You can imagine another food if you like, how about peanut butter. Take peanut butter and put it into a shot glass. Or macaroni and cheese. And now let’s imagine it’s socially acceptable to pound shots of applesauce. Let’s have applesauce while we make dinner and hum to ourselves, maybe shake our arms around to the Miley Cyrus tune in our heads. So catchy. Then let’s make sure we have enough applesauce for everyone and have more with dinner. How about some after-dinner applesauce with coffee? Sophisticated.
Or on a night when we just need to blow off some steam, let’s take pictures of our applesauce selections and post them on facebook, with pictures of our lips pursed up nicely, or our new cars, on our way to somewhere really fun, where we’ll meet up with other people who are sooo in the mood to drink applesauce with us. We’ll have a couple shots of applesauce to get us ready to be around these people.
As soon as we get to the applesauce bistro/bar we’ll really get into it. Applesauce shots for everyone! Or maybe we’re not feeling so social, we’ll choke down our applesauce shots in the corner and pretend to be texting with someone else. Then before you know it, you’ve had wayyy too much applesauce. Uh oh…and now you’re burping up acid apple chunks and trying to play it cool. Maybe have some nachos. Now you’re better and pacing yourself a little and oops, now you fell over because someone puked up their applesauce onto the floor and your high heels slid in it. Shit! You get over that and in order to lighten up and feel good again you have some more applesauce, though it’s not going well in your digestive system right now. I mean, it’s burning and churning and you’re all gassy.
This guy talks to you, you try to dance, you can smell the applesauce on his breath, you know he’s deep into his applesauce.
Eventually the lights come on and you have to go home, bloated, gassy, unable to digest all the acid, fiber, pulp ugggg. You go home and puke some, the next morning is hell on the toilet. You never want to see another apple again. You hate yourself, you made a fool or yourself. You tell your friends and they say how it’s fine, apples are good for you, they have anti-oxidants. A couple days go by apple free and then you see someone having applesauce in a commercial, partying on a rooftop, everyone under the age of 30.
You go back on the sauce.