Here. Today.

Say an occasion presented itself, where people were drinking and someone who didn’t know me offered me a drink and I hesitated. Let’s imagine I hesitated. Let’s imagine I was not prepared at that moment, that I was thinking about other things, like the food or the music or the people or the parking or my hair or my husband. I would like to believe I would not hesitate. To not hesitate but to simply be mentally set-up beforehand would be ideal, as I know myself and am busy BEING myself as well. But who knows, maybe someday it would happen again that I hesitated, then the thinking would start. Well, just what would I be thinking?

I know that alcohol is a total lie.

And I would do this mental walk through.

  • I would remind myself things like – that I wouldn’t have a chance to not be forever depressed if I started drinking again.
  •  That I would be bullshitting my workouts (which are high on my list of values) if I drank again.
  •  That I would be a farce in my meditations.
  • That I would be again in the grips of a drug if I started again. I would lose my freedom.
    One of my biggest regrets in life was becoming a drinker (during a bad relationship) and consequently keeping myself stuck. I tried for 17 years to keep alcohol in my life in one way or another, for one reason or another and it never went well, not ever.

These are the things I remind myself of.

  • And I never EVER felt as good drinking as I have doing non drinking things. Never laughed as hard, never felt as bright. And that’s not the pink cloud talking.
    So yeah I walk myself through to the next morning, all the possibilities, and then have a seltzer with lime or a cool mocktail and it’s done and the next morning comes and I’m off again into my life as best as I can.

Me drinking is not the best I can do.

 

  • And I would remind myself of all the things I used to believe, but that did not stand up over time or over use.
  • I used to believe that drinking was part of being an adult; I used to believe that I could never imagine my life without smoking cigarettes; I used to believe that sober people were boring and stodgy; I used to believe that vegans didn’t get enough protein; I used to believe that I would be more interesting if I were totally different than who I really was; I used to believe that I had to prove to people that I was worthwhile, never believing it myself; I used to believe that love was enough to maintain a relationship; I used to believe I had to be accepted in order to be acceptable….

And here I am. Now. Today.

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Goalz

As I have many times before on this blog, I strongly recommend Lee Davy’s work. His podcasts under the Truth about Alcohol or Needy Helper are KEY for me. I also really recommend his 3 month course for alcohol, it was very valuable and helped me big time through the last 3 months. It is very reasonably priced for the support and information and work included, without Lee I don’t know if I would be here writing this today: Truth about Alcohol course

I believe I have the fundamentals in place, finally and am living from a much more stable balanced life within myself.

Primary choices:

I find that everything I want in life, these things are less tangible at this point, after so many years of thinking it’s a particular job or place or weight or person or hairstyle or skill etc:

  • Peace, harmony, balance, stability, fulfillment, fun
  • Justice, autonomy, self reliance
  • Traveling, health, exercise, strength
  • Wealth
  • Nature

I choose peace, harmony, justice.
I choose health, exercise, strength
I choose fulfillment, fun
I choose traveling for interest and possible second home
I choose wealth, autonomy, self reliance
I choose to be mentally stable and in control or aware of my thoughts, but not act on them if they are negative.
I choose not to trust my emotions or thoughts or feelings as they can get distorted.
I choose to acknowledge that I can be in the grip of an emotion and it is not real.

Secondary choices:

– Peace, harmony, balance, stability, fulfillment, fun: secondary choices for these goals are daily practices like meditation, reading, mindfulness, breathing exercises – all of which I have added to my list of things to take care of each day.

– Justice, autonomy, self reliance: the more I act on the daily practices, the more able I will be to rely on myself and make the best choices I can. I will be less reactive and more responsive, when needed.

-Traveling, health, exercise, strength: I am currently seeking places in SC or the surrounding area, for a second home. I am planning a trip to Hawaii this year. I am taking care of my workouts and getting walks on the water in in the afternoon when weather permits. I’ve forced myself to walk even when it’s 0 degrees, and windy enough almost to push me over, or very humid, but in blizzards or hard rain I don’t do the walks.

– Wealth: I am staying as close to the cuff as I can, to get the most out of the money I make and not take on more that I can feel I can handle. I’m working on secondary sources of income.

– Nature: I plan to have a garden finally this year, to do more hikes, to finally get kayaks and do kayak camping trips rather than our usual hotel/meals/hiking trips. Now that I don’t drink, I don’t have to worry about where we are staying in relation to where the restaurants are. In all the times we have gone on vacation, this was a top consideration for me and limited us greatly, After a long day hiking, I’d be looking forward to drinks and more drinks and then walking back to the hotel. Now we don’t have to accommodate any of that.

I loved Lee Davy’s podcast about the Vow, I’ve listened to it multiple times. I’ve often gone back and re-listened to his earlier podcasts, where he just kind of talked and they really got through to me, especially at a very hard time in my sobriety seeking.

I did make the fundamental choice to remain someone who doesn’t drink alcohol.
I know my husband was positively influenced by my changes.
I’ve been doing everything to make this change and to make it stick. For years now.
I’m definitely not willing to let any circumstances dictate ANYTHING, anymore, in my life.
I am glad about that choice, very much so.
The thing though, is that there is still a little voice in the depths of my mind that says “but forever is a long time!” It’s just a glimmer of a voice at this point. But it’s still there, like a little niggling breath, heard from inside a black well in the ground. I’m just saying it’s there, not saying I listen to it. I’m aware of it.
I have seen that voice getting smaller and smaller….I believe someday it will be silenced completely.

I strongly recommend Lee Davy’s work. His podcasts under the Truth about Alcohol or Needy Helper are KEY for me. I also really recommend his 3 month course for alcohol, it was very valuable and helped me big time through the last 3 months. It is very reasonably priced for the support and information and work included, without Lee I don’t know if I would be here writing this today: Truth about Alcohol course

6 months – Long post about a relatively short time :)

So today is 6 months for me – a milestone I really found important.

Mainly because in 2015 when I’d first really applied myself to quitting drinking for good, I got to 6 months and had been thinking after 3 months or so “So what’s the point again?” and started drinking a few days after that milestone. I remember I’d started thinking about it for a while again and was bored and still feeling not myself (whatever that is or was at that point) and thought “hey, I MUST be able to drink now and again, after all this”
We’d been watching the show Frasier for weeks and I always was thinking about how good and relaxing and no big deal the liquor they drank every time they got together was. It was this liquor in pretty glass decanters of whatever they’re called and they would go into Frasier’s cool apartment and have some sips and talk and be themselves and then go on with their days. No big! That led to me recalling how much I used to like the taste of Gran Marnier and surely I could keep a bottle of that in the house and just have daily sips to round the day out.

Along the way of those 6 months I’d filled the white space to some extent. I’d done puzzles in front of the fireplace during snowstorms and allowed myself to have pretzels and crackers by the box full. I had ice cream if I felt like it. I listened to podcasts and journaled and did yoga at home, did my workouts, ate what I considered normal at meals.

I got through sex without drinking for the first time in my entire life, through my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, the major stressor of having my husband’s son come for New Years for a week, New Year’s itsel, countless arguments and many times out at a resturant where my husband cracked jokes about how I was drinving so he could have 2 beers instead of 1. It was all in good fun, so I thought or tried to make it.

But the seeds were sown along the way, after 3 months I would say. I had spent a lot of time thinking and saying, “man I’m so glad I don’t drink anymore”. But then it started to shift. And I started to doubt the point and then I was with the Gran Marnier and the red wine. I remember doing a toast for my first glass with my husband and it was this moment, I almost put the glass down again, I wanted to, but I forced myself to drink it. And something kind of shattered inside. I felt so sad and so much like I was letting myself down, because I was.

And I forced the issue more – sitting outside in the snow, drinking Gran Marnier in the afternoon on a Sunday, trying to feel good, to have the liquor work its “magic”. But that magic was gone forever.

Months of going back and forth came after that. Months on months off. Slogging through, sometimes feeling like I had the pink cloud, sometimes just wanting to die.

And now here I am now, 6 months of this time. I must say there are occasional whispers of “what’s the point?”, there were yells of that 3 months ago. I found months 3-4 the hardest in that aspect so far. But i’ve gotten through them.

Honestly, I don’t feel “proud” to be at 6 months, I feel like it’s all just what I should have been doing in the first place, so I don’t deserve any pats on the back. But I definitely feel it is worth noting and worth telling anyone that it does get better. Just like people with years under their belts have been telling me that same thing.
It looks different past every turn and I just have to get there to see it, I can’t see it beforehand.

It might not be the glitter parade of self fulfillment (like I had hoped for), but it will be an improvement and a knowledge of getting yourself back, even if it’s just a scrap of you at the time. It’s all an improvement over the mental agony of the back and forth and shame spiral. So that’s worth it and that has a point.

I’m certainly not meaning to speak “at” anyone on this, as I’m running the same race as anyone else. I’m speaking to you on this, and I’m speaking to myself, as well.

 

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Bucket List

– Get a second home down south
– Hawaii this year
– Celebrate 1 year sober
– hike mt katahdin
– hike part of the Appalachian
– grow my own vegetables
– #185 bench press
– publish my memoir
– have a farm in the right place
– find the place i like best to live

Doing the work

At this point (finally) I feel the risk level of me drinking again is very low, very improbable. I have given a lot of thought on this throughout the years. When I was still dealing with the “what’s the point”’s this exercise would have been different. But now that I’ve finally moved past a certain amount of sober time – 6 months is approaching soon – things are very different now. I have put in a lot of work and am rather feeling like I’m not still in the mud of recovery. 6 months has a significance in particular to me because that was the longest I went from 2015-2016 when I first quit drinking, I felt like it was so far away again this time and found month 3-4 extremely trying. As I had already put in so much work, but still had so far to go to surpass the 6 months, plus I still felt like shit, plus I was still so mad at myself for going back to drinking in the first place.
Now I am finally 10 days away from 6 months and when I realized that the other day it was like some clouds blew off my mind and I saw the light better. It was really a hard time.
So now, that I can see this goal clearer, I feel much more accomplished and like I can imagine the long haul better somehow. It’s hard to explain. .
I’ll do more work on this like you recommend, but these are some of my personal risks and their ratings, but I can tolerate them:

-Going to Hawaii for my 40th birthday this year: We are definitely going: 5
I am definitely not going to drink – one major reason being that I wanted to be over a year sober on my 40th birthday – that has been this thing for me all along: 1 = 5 = tolerable risk

  • someone I care about dying: 3
    I would not drink though because I wouldn’t want to make myself feel even shittier, I would need a clear brain to deal with it, I would be letting myself down if I drank: 1 = 3 = acceptable risk

-me winning the lottery: 3
I would not drink because I know how much of a waste of money, time and energy it is and it would set me back soooo far: 1 = 3 acceptable

  • stress in my home, dealing with family/aggravations: 4 (it happens fairly often)
    I would not drink because it is not a solution, plus I can’t think straight and become vulnerable and possibly out of control: 1 = acceptable risk

 

You’re definitely not the same person after starting recovery and going back to drinking. It is a definite idea that comes up – the whole – I’m fine now, I learned my lesson – after some sobriety – to then go back to drinking and be reintroduced to just how shitty drinking really is. It’s a wake-up call and the comes the work again, and I for one, knew it. When I went back to drinking the first time I quit, it was not good from the get go. I never for that whole period got that “happy buzzy” feeling that I used to get in years past. Actually hadn’t gotten that feeling in a long time.

I never got that feeling again and it was good I didn’t really, because maybe I would have kept at it longer. I was “off to the races” but not as bad as previously. I was basically trying to make myself a drinker again and kept failing at it thankfully. I was totally miserable and it felt like there was a true disconnect, cognitive dissonance.

And stress is something that could cause relapse yes. But I am very often stressed, very often upset, depressed etc. I work on that daily; I never feel like drinking due to that honestly. What has made me feel like drinking again is not “stress” it’s the feelings of “what’s the point”. I am motivated I think by a true purpose. That’s why the veganism had so much flow for me -there’s a true and obvious reason, I’ll never eat meat or dairy again. As I was still struggling so much mentally after quitting drinking (especially the second time), I started the get the “what’s the points” and those got dangerous for a while, I felt very close to almost drinking again, I could feel it pressing down. It was talking it out over a period of a week in particular, with myself and with my husband and just waiting it out – painfully waiting. It was truly awful, I felt like I was being destroyed somehow. I sat it out, he told me how much better I was now, how much of a detriment it would be to start drinking again, and thinking to myself how I had done the same thing in 2016 due to the same thoughts and had always regretted it – that got me through.

I felt like I was caught in a fast moving river, with black shadows flapping around me, drowning. And I finally got to the other side. It was very intense for very long. It was a feeling of disconnection, self hatred, hatred for everything and everybody else and true hopelessness.

I’m saying this because if someone else it feeling that way, they need to know that it will actually get better. Something that down will come up again, though it seems like it won’t.

White-knuckling it has nothing to do with booze

The title says it all really.

I realized last week during a crying-anger-rage-confusion-paranoia-jag that I’m white knuckling it through my life. Nothing to do with white knuckling around booze. And I wonder if that’s what people are truly going through, when they try and quit drinking but make no other changes. That is supposedly the real definition.

If they make no other changes to their lives, then they simply can’t keep doing what they are doing but STAND IT. They will most likely appear and feel pretty miserable. But it actually has nothing to do with drinking or not, it’s the thing they are doing or not doing that is really bugging them, really the issue.

What am I white knuckling? Why? I did make changes and tried new ways, tools in dealing with myself, what I was going through, my life, my place in the world, who I wanted to be. I took a lot of time for self-care. So why still white knuckling?

For the moment, now that I’ve learned about PAWS, I’m attributing my internal turmoil to that phenomenon. I have decided to allow myself some space to heal. Some time to do it in. Some intentional dialing down of my activities and responsibilities. Self-care, listening to my body, acceptance of what is and what is not, meditating, going back to bed if I need to even though there’s other things that need doing, not making these complicated new vegan meals every day.

I’m going to focus on my breathing, realize my body and mind truly needs time to heal and un-clench. And we’ll see where I can go from there.

P.A.W.S. is killing me

I’d heard of PAWS (Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) all along this journey, and I’d understood that it would take time to “feel better”, but for some reason, this time in particular I thought it kind of didn’t apply to me.

After quitting anti-depressants last year and then the ethanol this year (again) in July, I felt like after going through the immediate detoxing, I would be ok. Because I knew so much about what it felt like to go through withdrawals and I was trying or I don’t even know why now. I felt like I’d gone through it all so many times that I could think myself out of it.

I was doing very bad at 3 months, through October. I figured it was the change of season, my looming birthday (last of my 30’s…so so sad), or my period (and it’s usual shitty shenanigans). But it stretched out into our trip brief to Acadia – all I could see was the crappy food and service, the rushed end of the season, the expense, how our relationship and my sanity were hanging by a thread, the toll it must be taking on my husband’s psyche, who has his own issues too.

We sat with me paranoid, delusional or maybe just too intensely realistic, on the rock next to the water near a beach we have pictures at during our first trips there – happier, younger, far less jaded days. When there still seemed to be something to work towards and hope for, as hard as they were. We enjoyed our time together and would cry when we left to go back to the drudgery and anxiety that wracked my life and the hard physical work that filled his.

My extreme mental difficulties: anger, fury, rages, paranoia, total disinterest in everything, anxiety, depression, trouble sleeping, loss of strength at the gym, irritability, crying jags, feelings of doom and disappointment, complete negativity – continued through the end of the month, when we went to Portland in an attempt by my poor husband to try to “make me smile again”. I remember all the “what’s the point” thoughts and how extreme they were. I came fairly close (mentally) to taking drinking again. The “f#$$ it’s” were strong and very alluring, beckoning me with their index fingers and promising me a break from my pain and consequently a good thing for my husband as well.

We talked on the way to Portland at length about it all and I asked him several times if I was “better off” not drinking or maybe I should just allow myself to do it? Was there a point in not drinking? And he said absolutely I should not go back to drinking, no. That I needed to give myself a chance once and for all, that I looked better, sounded better, lost weight, to not give up on myself and that drinking definitely had no value to it.

I was furious and disgusted the whole trip, terrified, anxious, paranoid, crying, confused, disappointed. I saw only the dirt, depression, the awfulness of the human condition. My poor husband was at his wit’s end.

We made it through to November, I was still dragging myself through the days, looking at the clock, but with no time that mattered exactly anyways. What was I waiting for.

Then the vegan life came to me and I am thankful for that. I am first and foremost thankful to the spirits looking out for me and for my husband trying so hard and staying with me through everything. We have stuck by each other and supported one another, but he has put up with an enormous amount of emotional drain from me over the years, I wish he hadn’t been doing this for his own sake. I can only imagine how hard it must have been and still it, to maintain his own life and thoughts, while being around someone prone to such disillusion, anger, sadness, suicidal thoughts and actions, self destructive behavior etc.  But I am very thankful for finally seeing and listening to and incorporating veganism into my life. Finally I am no longer contributing to the torture, misery, fear and slaughter or animals and that is huge. Such an awakening.

And so I was doing very well. My husband said many times how that veganism seemed to be the missing link, along with not drinking, that I was having a spiritual awakening and it was my little soft gentle thing that I could hold and caress and enjoy in my life. He kept looking at me and was watching me. I noticed how our chickens reacted instantly different to me, how people out in the world did too. My energy had truly changed, overnight. Doors were opening and opening in a different way. I was stronger inside, things made sense in life a bit more, it was very clear cut on the foods and what I needed to do and not do.

But the drinking. I’d not thought about it. Then I heard on this podcast, that she went to a veggie fest and had a fun cocktail. Or this brewery that donated all it’s proceeds to animal sanctuaries. There was thankfully not a lot of this, but there was some. Across the board I would say vegan people are health conscious or wakened enough to not drink. I do not know first hard, but as far as historically or just plain sense, it seemed to go together.

The door was slightly opened though. It rather took me by surprise and though I wasn’t triggered per-se, I found myself wondering how that could be reconciled. It seemed like the reconciliation was generally – well they are not harming animals by drinking, so it’s ok. Well, so I would only be harming myself, so I can too. Since I don’t like myself anyways.

We got through a trip to MD in early December, it went pretty well and I recall feeling calm at various points. That I didn’t have to worry about anything at that moment. That I knew of things that were kind of stressful – like worrying about the chickens back home, traveling in general, work, where I was going in life, whether my husband was happy etc.  But those worries kind of could come and then could drift away a little too and still leave me open to enjoy the visit and vacation, time away. To just kind of be and enjoy what was.

Then on the way home from MD, things rather fell apart yet again. I was paranoid, rushed, restless, angry, scared, worried, feeling of impending doom, feeling of hopelessness, lack of enjoyment in anything, disappointments, stress, little voice whispering hey, why not have some wine jerk-off? Maybe you’ll chill the #$%^ out for once. Just like a breath, the voice was. It was more of a feeling of those words than the actual words. It was faint, so faint. In and out along with the other thoughts and words and feelings and emotions that were spinning around in my head. I felt like I was drowning again.

There was also, I think as part of the drowning feeling, a feeling of extreme reaching. Reaching for food, for meditation, for books, for hugs, for talking, for driving, for mental stimulation – this very ADD reaching grasping NEEDING feeling. I noticed it very distinctly, it went over and above the usual PMS-grabbing-chocolates thing that many women are so delighted to have. It was this feeling of absolutely not achieving but still reaching.

A week or so ago I had a dream that I was in this big winter city and driving around and around looking for something. In the dream I was saying and woke up saying “I lost myself. I’m lost. I lost myself again”. And that is how it felt and feels.

Leading to when my husband came home the following weekend from MA, and had spent too much money at the store and not listened to me (I thought) and then told me how I was crazy and ruining his day over nothing, which escalated into just total awfulness and bizarre self destructive behavior. I was yelling about “gas-lighting” which I think both he and I do to each other and to ourselves. You can gas-light yourself right?

Screaming, running, depression, crying, feelings of total loss, him telling my that I was doing it all again and he’d thought I was doing better, ideas of divorce, moving – where when how, his telling me that I was “killing us” and of the scars I was making inside myself and him. I was physically harming myself and felt completely out of control and that I couldn’t trust myself. I hated hated hated myself. The next day I spent out of my mind some more, hitting and screaming at myself, punching and clawing and telling myself I wished I was dead, for hours, alone in the house on the floor. Desperately reaching, but finding absolutely nothing of comfort or ease, nothing to hang onto. I was groundless, all was air. Gone. Absent.

The week continued….snow, rain, ice, cold, worries….paranoia, anger, depression…

Then some odd blips.

I thought I was going to hear some disappointing type or scary type of news at work – instead, I received some nice news.

At the gym, I thought I was going to hear a complaint and have to tell someone off to the extreme, the situation in my head was on all alerts, instead, I heard a compliment. From someone who doesn’t give them out much and in the position to have an opinion (she is in exceptional shape herself).

Two times in two days that I was expecting something shitty but got something nice instead. It showed me how the shit in my head was destroying my life. I knew that, but it was dramatic these times.

Then on Friday, my father called at an inopportune moment and I said how I’m not doing well, not at all. And felt angry afterwards about what little was said, I was taking each word as an affront and almost called him back and got into this whole thing over it. But I didn’t and felt a bit better as the day went on. I’m tired of creating these issues and running with the, I’m tired of the drama, especially of my own creating or intensifying.

When would it end? What the HELL was wrong with me? Why was it that I could string no more than a few days of good and calm and reasonable together? No matter what I did or didn’t do. Why was I STILL dealing with this, why was I STILL harming my husband and I’d relationship?

Then a person who I follow mentioned PAWS and how hers lasted 18 months. She mentioned it rather casually, it was not the point of the post. I stopped reading the post. I looked up PAWS. This is what I found on wiki that hit me in the head like a flashlight while under the bed: Symptoms can sometimes come and go with wave-like reoccurrences or fluctuations in severity of symptoms. Common symptoms include impaired cognition, irritability, depressed mood, and anxiety; all of which may reach severe levels which can lead to relapse.

Let’s just say that again. “Wave-like recoccurrences…..[and} in severity of symptoms”. “All of which may reach severe levels which can lead to relapse”.

Then the list of symptoms:

Symptoms occur intermittently, but are not always present. They are made worse by stress or other triggers and may arise at unexpected times and for no apparent reason. They may last for a short while or longer. Any of the following may trigger a temporary return or worsening of the symptoms of post-acute withdrawal syndrome:[citation needed]

  • Stressful and/or frustrating situations
  • Multitasking
  • Feelings of anxietyfearfulness or anger
  • Social conflicts
  • Unrealistic expectations of oneself

 

“Unrealistic expectations of oneself”.

I know lots of these symptoms can happen independently of PAWS. But this is WHAT IT IS. This is what it is.

When I read this and then this: PAWS  I immediately went and had my husband listen about it. He was tired, it was late, we were both exhausted. But he listened and gave full attention and we were both taken aback.

It gave us both hope really. It was a light through the fog. Like, maybe I wasn’t actually losing my mind or stuck in a life of malcontent, insanity, depression, mania, bipolar? Maybe I wasn’t done for? Maybe I didn’t have to move again or get divorced or give up on everything and just isolate forever?

We talked at great length about it all. My husband said many times that in no uncertain terms, I could not not not go back to drinking. He wanted me to understand fully, that alcohol and me simply do not mix. That he noticed a difference between how I now spoke, acted, moved and looked – a better change. That if I did I would never ever be free of the cycle. That I had set myself back greatly by going drinking again in 2016. That I had been greatly harming my brain and that it needed time to recover, to fully recover. That I needed to give myself a real chance, for once and for all. That I would be completely in the wrong to go back to drinking, that I would never be out of the cycle.

I still feel raw and lost. But it does give me hope. Then the feeling is, well, the scars of mine and of his and of ours are too large. And I’m too old now. I used up all my chances and it’s too late.

We went to get lunch at Frontier yesterday and it was very nice. But people were annoying in the world. That will most likely never change, But my husband put on a happy face and we tried and the food was very nice. We had tofu rice bowl, spicy tomato ginger coconut milk soup, focaccia with oil and salt, sweet potato fries, (he had) scallops with he said were cooked perfectly, with beet fried rice and vegetables, and I had a pear mocktail and we shared the vegan chocolate mousse, and talked some. The table was right at the window, they had pine boughs on the window sills of the warehouse resturant. The server was curious that were would be hungry enough to finish everything, I said yes we would (people often are suprised we want and finish everything we order, because we are not obese? I don’t know why). And I said that yes, we are hungry and we always eat a lot on Saturdays. And we did.

After we went to the natural foods store in Brunswick, which is great but almost impossible to actually move around in. We made it through. We went to Nest and I got the notebook I’d been wanting and actually needed a new one, I stumbled upon and actually got a moonstone ring and he picked me out a pair of earrings – blue long triangles- which was interesting because I’d wanted to wear something blue while getting ready and almost wore a blue long triangle necklace but it didn’t go exactly, I got those too.

And we made it home and made it into comfortable clothes and listened to some Bing Crosby Christmas and Dean Martin on Alexa and fiddled around a bit. And had tea and Bubbie Bars and I was asleep on the couch by 7:30. I had a few panics here and there in my sleep, but slept. Woke up sad and raw and feeling very old and empty. But it is all out now and I must persevere for my husband’s sake if no one elses. I have to get better and get through the PAWS. Hopefully when I see a wave coming, I’ll know the wave for what it is an just let it pass over me and come up on the other side, no longer drowning.

I saw an eagle again at Ocean Point. My husband is still hugging me this morning.

There must be an other side.

 

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