100 Days

I am so proud today at 100 Days of sobriety from alcohol. It is also almost 80 days sobriety from grains, sugars, overeating. I am still occasionally, like a couple times a month, overeating something or other – usually like I’ve had 6 tbsp of organic sugar free peanut butter instead of just 2 or had 4 grain free corn free tacos (which are amazing btw), instead of the 2 I intended to have. But it all feels like a win still because it’s foods that are still within my parameters of grain free sugar free, with the intention to not overeat them.

Something I’ve reflected on several times is that I do not know if I would still be sober from alcohol were I still eating sugar, grains and overeating food in general. I just don’t know about that. I’m totally inclined to say perhaps no or at least say – I might be – but I’d be gritting my teeth resentfully and in biting anxiety a whole lot more. That I can see from previous experience FOR SURE. The Gratitude and Grace that I have been allotted in gaining the knowledge that the food was a HUGE issue is deep and wide and I cannot Pray and Thank God enough. If anyone is sober from alcohol and or food addiction and struggling on either side of that, please be extra open and read these books that I was Graced with coming into contact with a couple months ago: Saving Sara: A Memoir of Food Addiction by Sara Somers, Overeaters Anonymous, 12 Steps for Overeaters by Elizabeth L. and Damaged Goods by Shelley Louise.

Those books – especially Sara Somers’ book – opened my eyes wider than they’d ever been and showed me that the alcohol was the same thing as the sugar, which was the same thing as the crackers, which was the same thing as the yelling which was the same thing as the crying and desperate reaching out for “fun” and on and on and on, never ending and always leading back to misery. I could not give up the alcohol, but keep the crackers in my life (3 whole sleeves of crackers, every day). I couldn’t give up the crackers but keep the 4,000 calorie dinner on Saturday nights. I couldn’t get rid of those huge food binges but keep the yelling and compulsion to defend myself and explaining and ranting for hours at a time. I couldn’t get rid of the anger and overreacting but keep the brown rice. I couldn’t get rid of the brown rice but keep the obsession about moving to another town/ state. I list so many examples, but these are only a few I’ve come to terms with these last 100 days.

I wish I’d had this knowledge a long time ago, I know it would have helped me then. I also know I have a long long way to go and I’ve by no means figured it all out and can clap my hands. Being connected, plugged in, to God is not to be underestimated. And I know for sure it was God’s push that brought this knowledge to me, after 20+ years of struggling with food et al. In the recovery circles, so often it’s suggested to just focus on not drinking and that if you eat a gallon of ice cream or a bag of twizzlers or 3 pizzas or whatever you eat at any given moment, it’s ok! Just stay sober! But I am certain that this kind of advice, though meant well, is actually a majorly destructive allowance. Especially if the person has struggled with any kind of food disorder, which so many of us have, if we see it or not. Why take a chance anyways? And then how many of us – if we do manage to stay sober – have to then deal with the “food thing” later on down the recovery path? It seems like it’s a short term solution for one thing and also it’s not really a solution since it creates a whole other set of problems: “I quit drinking and I was told I’d lose weight, but I haven’t so what’s wrong with me and now I’m eating all these mood altering grains and sugars and I’m even more down in the shits.” Or: “Dang, I quit drinking but I have constant food cravings and every time I give into them I feel totally out of control and the binges make me feel as depressed as I was when I was hungover, but at least I’m sober I guess but I hate myself and hate life?”. Everything just cycling into itself. The B Vitamins deficiencies that drinkers are all too often unconsciously drinking to relieve the symptoms of, are further depleted by the alcohol. And on top of it, when we stop drinking, if we fill it with sugar and grains, those low levels are further depleted. And the sinking quicksand chase to feel better continues.

I heard on https://asobergirlsguide.com/ podcast with Dr. Jasmine Hall, that there is a place in San Diego that injects iv’s of NAD: B3 – into alcoholics (for like 10 grand, versus 30+ grand for regular rehab where they feed you white bread and jello = sugar hell) and the patient is saved from this cycle of awfulness that so many of us never even get out of, myself almost included. I really had begun to believe years ago that there was just no hope for me, not ever. Since no matter what I did or didn’t do, I was a shaking exhausted hungry angry sobbing overweight out of breath mess, one that lab tests did not offer reasons for.

I am eternally grateful for the Grace of knowledge and how taking into practice this knowledge has helped me untie the knots and finally things make some sense. I hope anyone else who just knows something is wrong, so wrong, that they find these books and put them into practice, to gain some bit of relief and peace, after such a long dark struggle. Some relief, so small, but so big on their journey to betterment.

And here I am now 100 Days and I am so proud. So short a time but so encompassing for me and ones that are feeling more healing than ever before. I saw an article recently by a psychologist who was recommending his severely depressed patients to try giving up refined sugars and grains for a while: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-depression-cure/200907/dietary-sugar-and-mental-illness-surprising-link and he writes: A few have had the courage and determination and given it a go: they’re reported remarkable improvements in mood, energy, and mental clarity.  

When I read that and got a bit verklempt: courage and determination – who me? Who us? Us those “weak addicts?” Praise God.. that’s all I really know.